Change is good

There are times when change is scary – when it shakes you out of your comfort zone, pours you out of your norm or gently eases you out of what you are used to. I stand on the side of good change today. Change is good when it is embraced and ushered in with no resistance. When it has to force its way through it is often uncomfortable to the subject.

Change pushes you to become a more evolved person. You learn how to adapt to new circumstances, to think of unique approaches and work to accept yourself.  Change makes you aware of the potential you have. Change teaches you resilience. Change sometimes humbles you. Change brings to the fore your strengths and limitations. Change suddenly opens your eyes to the environment around you. Change enables you to discover the oars you need to navigate your world.

When we accept the fact that nothing lasts forever, we are better equipped for the journey. Struggle occurs when we resist reality, so the best way to end the struggle is to embrace change

Inspired by recent changes to my own personal and work life, I discuss below some pointers that have helped me embrace the transition I am going through.

• Acknowledge your feelings – it is perfectly normal to be apprehensive, scared, sad or excited about change, acknowledging how you feel about change allows you to deal with the feelings and talk about them. It helps to write a list of your emotions and then exploring how they can help you be responsive to unavoidable change.
• Be positive – it can be easy to only see the negative aspects of change, do not let negative thoughts and people get in the way of you embracing the change. Negativity blinds you from the possibilities and new opportunities available for you.
• Shed off the norm – Stepping out of the comfort zone may sound cliché but it is an effective way to embrace change. It may seem daunting to give up old habits and try something new, but you don’t know until you give it a go! A simple alteration to your daily routine in this new season could make a huge impact. Your 24 hours can shape your week, month and year.
• Focus on the reason behind the change – whether a change is taking place at work or in your personal life, there will nearly always be a positive motive behind it which aims to benefit both you and those around you. Focusing on the purpose can help to motivate and inspire you in your new way of life. Setting your eyes on the purpose of change helps you not to see yourself as a victim.
• Change is an opportunity to learn – A lot of time change can leave you in unfamiliar territory. This is an opportunity to learn about the skills and attributes you need for the next stage of your life. Not only will learning help you understand more about your new situation, but it will enable you to develop old and new relationships with those around you.
• Look to the future with confidence – You won’t know how change may benefit you unless you embrace new opportunities and visualise a successful future in your new environment. Encourage yourself to see a great future even if those around you do not.
• Self awareness is important – a transition is mostly a period of uncertainty, highs and lows. Be aware of the kind of person you are, what gives you joy and the impetus to soldier on. You will need yourself much more than ever before. You are the one who is at the centre of the change. It is you who understands it’s impact. You need inner motivation, resilience and perseverance. Affirm yourself and be your own biggest cheerleader.

At the end of the day, transitions are inevitable and no one person or place can stay the same forever, your life is part of the world’s dynamic nature.

“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” ~ Charles Darwin

Have you recently been through change in any area of your life? What would you suggest are the best ways to embrace change?

Leave acting up to bored children

Your actions speak so loud, I cannot hear what you are saying – Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Too often we see social media posts about friends who are not there for their friends or partners that do not make an effort for the relationship to work.  It triggers a question.  Why do people saddle themselves with relationships they are not comfortable in??? 

Unlike family, we have the liberty to choose friendships and romantic relationships for ourselves.  It boggles the mind then when we burden ourselves with relationships that we don’t want and ‘act up’ for the person to see that the relationship is either no longer desirable or has taken a direction we are not comfortable with.  Is it so difficult to speak up?  The ‘acting up’ borders on abuse and cruelty because the other party can’t tell what the mixed signals really mean. What makes it worse is they continue saying all the right things but the behaviour is not consistent with what they say. 

Acting up is no big deal when it is done by bored children who have time on their hands.  I find that an adult who can’t communicate that a relationship is over is not only cruel but weak and childish.  Some even go to the extent of employing tactics that have recently been christened by new age psychologists.  Tactics like ghosting – where the partner/friend just disappears without a word, ceasing all communication with no explanation;  then there is gas lighting –  a form of psychological manipulation in which a person covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment.  Mind games are also the order of the relationship where the partner who wants out employs passive aggression in order to induce the subject of aggression to end the relationship.

In the Shona culture (found in Zimbabwe, Southern Africa), it is perceived to bring bad luck to break up with a woman, so most of the men just ‘act up’ until the woman cannot take it anymore or they will simply disappear without a trace! There has been stories of married men who just pack up and leave wives and kids – without a word.

On the flip side, it’s sad and even borders on being annoying when you then see the ‘aggrieved’ or is it confused partner taking to social media to find answers from their followers on how to read the partner’s ‘cold war’ and asking what to do with the glaring signs.

Why can’t people take mixed signals to be a NO and cut their losses and move on.  Why do they continue to allow themselves to be tortured, humiliated and othered by a weak man/woman who cannot communicate clearly.   Ko kana tea yacho isina sugar unotsvirei? (why do you let bland tea burn your lips).

What boggles the mind is why can’t people communicate if/when they want out?  Why do people torture themselves with the burden of ‘acting up’ and be stuck with an unwanted relationship which hangs onto them like the proverbial albatross on the neck?

Isn’t a relationship supposed to be a source of love, affection, joy, peace and security rather than a psychological battlefield?

If/when you want out – communicate – if/when you get mixed signals take it as a no and move on.

Life is too short to spend it enrolled in a forced marathon of mind games. Way too short. 

 

Assert how you want to be treated

“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

After some upheaval in a relationship, I sat at a coffee shop for a chat with a friend of 20 years to vent. Her response startled me.  She stopped me mid sentence and said “I know you are not even telling me everything coz you are making excuses for this person so that I don’t judge them – because that’s who you are. You are not assertive with how you should be treated. You accommodate mediocre behaviour and make excuses for it. Go and change that then we can chat after 6 or so months.”   I was hurt, shocked and angry! I had reached out, I wanted a sympathetic ear but was met with these seemingly cold words.  A few minutes later, we were joined by her partner and the chat turned to other things, the weather, the economy, politics and food.  As we chatted and and laughed, my friend’s words were at the back of my mind. 

Later that night I lay in bed and pondered over the words and realised that much as I might have been hurt by what my friend said – she was right.  I had to start with the changes not to accept to be treated anyhow.  So the next morning I went to a barber and shaved all my hair off – for two reasons.  First so that when I see myself in the mirror everyday I would know why I cut it, it symbolically represented shaving off the trait of not speaking up on how I want to be treated, second because I have always accommodated other people (read partner, friends and even my own kids!) when it came to choosing a hairstyle – but deep down within me I know what I want.  I decided it’s time I did what I want with my hair – I’m the self appointed Queen of the TWA (teeny weeny afro) but that is a story for another day.

Since then, I have started on being more assertive on how I want to be treated, loved, friended and related to – if someone can’t do that – no big deal, no hard feelings but I don’t have to stick around them. It is a painful process, but trust me, you’d be hurting yourself even more if you keep fighting for people to care about how you feel.  This notion that relationships must hurt is wrong.  Yes it is not all rosy but at least let the garden show that it is a rose garden – the occasional rain should water it and make it bloom instead of making the roses wilt.  A relationship should nourish and ground you. One shouldn’t be a doormat to be used only for stepping on and cleaning the other’s shoes and absorbing all dirt and negative treatment.  It starts with knowing your worth, knowing how you want to be treated and having the strength and emotional stamina to walk away if you are not valued the way you feel you should.

You are not ‘end of the range’, you are not small, you are worth much much more than the occasional ‘I miss you’ or ‘I love you.’  You deserve a feast of affection, consideration and tolerance.   They are not doing you a favour being in a relationship with you, so stop making excuses for them in your mind because you fear losing them.  The danger of making excuses for being treated badly is you turn on yourself, you start seeing as if you are the one with problems, you are the only one littered with faults and inadequacies. Once you start thinking that way, your self esteem and confidence takes a knock.

Guard your self esteem. Know your worth.  Knowing your worth  sometimes means sacrificing things and relationships with people you care about, learn to care about them from afar so as to guard your worth. You will feel free and happier. Love yourself first and make no excuses about how you expect to be treated and loved back – see how your life will change.  Other people will start to love you better.

You are going to piss a lot of people once you start doing what’s best for you, they will even bad mouth you. As long as you value yourself,  know who you are, and what makes you happy, it doesn’t matter what they say.   The ones who truly care will stick around and match your energy, reciprocate your affection and do their best for you to be in each other’s life.  You won’t feel like an after thought, or as if they are doing you a favour otherwise noone would want you, you won’t feel inadequate.

You are worthy, you are enough and deserve to be treated well.  Be relentless in asserting how you want to be treated – you know it best.

– PS – this entry is dedicated to my friend Tendai Daisy – I’m looking forward to the chat in 6 months, same place, same spot! 🙂

Sisterhood or Stress Squad?

Most females have been part of a circle or ‘squad’ before. You know that group of friends in primary school, high school or college.  It spreads though, to work, to church, to clubs….the list goes on. These are the girls that wax lyrical about each other on social media, pledging to be there for each other declaring loyalty to each other.  The sad thing is underneath this veneer of ‘fierce sisterhood’ most of these group of friends are in a tacit war with each other.  There is no tolerance, consideration or acceptance of each other as it might seem – think Desperate Housewives a la Teri Hatcher.

Most squads seem to have strong bonds but say a lot of bad things about the same people they hang out with all the time, they gossip about each other’s weaknesses, mishaps and misfortunes. Most squads are the cause of stress to their members. In most of these, there is always one member whom everyone looks down on and treats like crap, there is always the de-facto leader and there is always one whom everyone wants to be closest with – causing silent competition amongst the squad for this person’s attention. This is the one everyone runs to console when they are crying and everyone shows up for this person’s happy moments.  Even the leader will mobilise everyone to rally around this one. In most cases this is the most affluent girl of the squad.  I had this discussion with my two teenage daughters about this one day and they called this person ‘a Ludmilla’ – after a Disney teen series.

Sometimes one can find themselves in a squad they don’t necessarily share the same values with.  A squad that discusses things  and shares viewpoints that don’t go with your belief and value system can drain you – even if there is no gossip and backbiting.  What makes it worse is your values are in the minority and it sends you into a spiral of silence – being in a place you can’t freely express your opinion is frustrating and diminishes your self esteem.  Friends that are judgemental are just as bad for you.  If their value system renders you a lost cause or judges you harshly, it is good for your mental health to detach yourself.

I have been a member of a squad – well – call it squads too! As I age, I find that each time I find that I’m becoming part of a toxic squad I remove myself quietly.  I also let go of draining friendships without thinking twice.  I have since found out that people can be ‘frenemies,’ smiling at you, pretending to be in your corner but talk negatively about you.  I’m all for forming individual relationships and have been blessed with a few that I value dearly.

Adulting is too hard to belong to a Stress Squad which you thought was a Sisterhood.  If you find yourself in a squad that drains you, do yourself a favour and start enjoying your own company.  You will be fine.

I am because we are

“I am because we are.” This phrase accepts the idea that humans cannot exist in isolation. We depend on connection, community, and caring — simply put, we cannot be without each other.   This is called ubuntu is Zulu, a language spoken in South Africa and part of Zimbabwe.  In my mother tongue, Shona, it is called hunhu.

Ubuntu, a traditional African philosophy, explains how we are bound in each other’s humanity. Translated as, “I am because you are,” Ubuntu describes a sense of unity between people through which we each discover our own strengths and virtues. Balance would mean that the individual understands that they derive their identity from being in community, i.e., in a bond of individuals.

Archbishop Desmond Tutu explained, “My humanity is bound up in yours, for we can only be human together.” The potential of human beings working collectively to achieve goals is infinitely greater than the potential of any individual.

I am because we are and because we are, you are.

There is a oneness to humanity; that we achieve by sharing ourselves with others, and caring for those around us. A person with Ubuntu is open and available to others, affirming of others and does not feel threatened that others are able and good, for he or she has a proper self-assurance that comes from knowing that he or she belongs in a greater whole and is diminished when others are belittled.

There is a Zulu phrase, ‘Umuntu ngumuntu ngabantu’, which means ‘A person is a person through other persons.’

We acquire character through interactions and experiences over time.

We have not all been created with the same abilities, but we have been given the same opportunity to do good and impact others.  In the end, it is about truly caring for every precious human being whose life we touch. It is about including everybody, not just the fortunate few or the exceptionally talented.

There seems to be a constant struggle between the ‘me’ and ‘us’. In families, the workplace, friends and alas in romantic relationships too.  But the beauty of Ubuntu is that you cannot be everything to yourself.  Instead, what it says is this—while it’s wonderful to have the freedom to pursue your personal goals and dreams, it’s also important to remember that no man or woman is an island. This doesn’t mean you have to limit yourself; rather, it encourages opening up and connecting with others in a caring and authentic way, thereby increasing everyone’s overall success and happiness.

Be available to others, Use the gifts that God gave you to impact the lives of others, Celebrate your family, your friends and your loved ones. Obsess over being available to others, not on being better than them.

Move to trash

De-clutter. Spring clean. Clean up.

It’s amazing how a typical human being can amass things. A lot of it we cannot even tell what it is or describe it.  So it ends up just being called stuff.  More often than not stuff ends up cluttering our houses, occupying space and preventing us from cleaning thoroughly.  Stuff gets in the way of free flow of clean air.  Even so, the responsibility to clean up, de-clutter or spring clean weighs on us heavily.

Clutter is not just physical, it is emotional, it is psychological, it is mental and sometimes it is people!!  We amass emotions with no filter, we enlarge our circle of friends without giving it much thought. Before we know it, we are an emotional wreck and caught up in toxic relationships.  We nurse grudges, tend to broken relationships, nurture harmful thoughts – much to our detriment, ill-health and unhappiness.  Much like empty food containers and old clothes filling up our cupboards, these things fill up space meant for happiness, contentment and peace.

De-clutter. Spring clean. Clean up.  Move to trash everything that’s getting in the way of your happiness.  Embrace peace of mind, sometimes ditching people doesn’t mean you remove them completely from your life.  Maybe circumstances mean you will see them often, just remove them from your emotional space – even if it is family.  Stay away from people who make you think you are difficult to love, who make you feel small and inadequate.  You are enough. Ditch negative thoughts, memories and emotions. Acknowledge them but remove them from a rent free space in your well being.  Embrace positive thoughts, embrace happy and easy relationships

Move to trash! Maintain a healthy environment!

 

The wig is not a symbol of oppression, it is oppression!!

The general consensus among women is hair is part of the outfit.  A visit to the hairdresser is always a pick me up;  gorgeous hair is an instant confidence boost. If you are having a gorgeous hair day you feel on top of your game but what I can testify is there is a lot to endure for a black woman.  From the chemical burns to the very tight braids and cornrows and the itch of the weave – if it is a synthetic weave you can’t even wash your hair, for the duration of the hairstyle – which could be four to six weeks!  For me, the wig appeared to be a solution to these issues since I could take it off at the end of the day.  Boy was I wrong!

After a few months of a cute ‘cut and tong’ which required weekly visits to the hairdresser and chemical retouches every three weeks, the cost of looking good took a toll on my pocket, my hair line and my scalp.  So I cut my hair to a brush cut to return to my natural hair – that’s a story for another day – I came out of the barber shop feeling great! Fast forward a few days later, a very important person to me – matters of the heart – comes back from out of town and was not happy with the residue of the haircut.  So I resort to a wig – big mistake!  First, the strands kept coming to my face, which I don’t like one bit, then it felt like I had some sort of head scarf, by mid morning my neck was stiff from trying to keep my head straight so that my hairstyle would not fall off.  Later that day a colleague almost fainted when he came into my office and found my hairstyle proudly sitting beside my laptop while my mated brush cut head slaved away! Needless to say, I have vowed I will not be using wigs anymore because I can’t stand the oppression. I have new respect for my sisters who even spend the whole day in a wig – I failed dismally!  In a few months time, I will be spotting dreadlocks!

The Journey Begins

Thanks for joining me!

I’m an African woman, a journalist, a mum – roles I take very seriously! I’m based in Harare, Zimbabwe.  On here I will put down my random thoughts! Expect anything!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton